oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
