You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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