I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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