Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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