How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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