if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
