ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
