there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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