my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
