90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
