You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
