i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to