he puts the penis in happiness.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.