That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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