last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
