he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice