Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
barbara walters just said penis...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
