Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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