You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They took my balls.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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