The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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