My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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