Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
