you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
