You're completely useless in the revolution.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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