They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
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Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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