I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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