I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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