I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
