How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I AM VODKA MAN
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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