he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
