How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
