Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
