3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
