Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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