Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
