Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
