i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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