you guys were way drunker than both of me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
we made out on top of his cat.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
