I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
