I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape