hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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