remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
