My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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