one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
