I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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