8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
