I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
