: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
