Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm getting married
To pizza
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
