i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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