You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
