He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
