Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
