The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
