fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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