Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
